if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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