I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
