Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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