I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
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