So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
