i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just forgot I was standing up.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize