oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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