I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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