When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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