I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
