She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
