Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
