Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
