The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
