dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
