I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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