her vagine was all disorganized.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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