On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
