Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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