Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
