Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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