And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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