I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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