So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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