i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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