Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
