If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
