i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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