It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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