I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
