Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
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