Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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