I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
