She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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