At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
