shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
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