i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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