She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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