I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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