Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
