I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
