Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I miss vodka workout Fridays
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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