Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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