Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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