Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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