ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Randomize
