I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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