My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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