I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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