I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
