Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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