he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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