I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
