you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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