If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
