Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
