Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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