just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
