i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize