i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
