dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
