Moan for me like Helen Keller
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
