I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
