I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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