It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize