I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
