I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
