Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
