sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
